“Get a Good Job, Be Independent—You Never Know What Kind of Man You’ll Marry.”

As a parent, I’ve often come across advice given to daughters that goes something like this: “Make sure you get a good education and a good job. You need to be independent; you never know what kind of husband you’ll end up with.” At first glance, it seems like a responsible and caring advice. But the more I think about it, the more I realise it reflects deeper issues in how we view security for our daughters and the kind of foundations we are building for their future.

I want to explore why this mindset is problematic and why it’s essential to rethink how we guide our daughters.

The Problem with This Advice

When we encourage our daughters to focus on financial independence as a safety net against potentially unreliable husbands, we unknowingly create several issues.

• Breeding Distrust:
  By implying that their future husbands might fail them, we’re planting seeds of distrust in their hearts from the outset. How can a marriage thrive if a wife enters it assuming her husband is likely to be irresponsible? This mindset fosters a lack of reliance on her spouse and creates an expectation of conflict, long before the marriage even begins.
• Competing in the Marriage Rather Than Complementing:
  If we teach our daughters that their worth lies in competing financially with their husbands, we undermine the natural balance of roles in a marriage. I firmly believe that a healthy partnership thrives on contribution, not competition. By making financial independence the priority, we’re setting both spouses up for overlapping responsibilities, which often leads to frustration, burnout, and emotional distance.
• Misguided Notions of Security:
  Real security isn’t about bricks, mortar, or high salaries. To me, it lies in the character of the man my daughter marries. A man who fears Allah and understands his responsibilities will always strive to fulfil them, no matter the circumstances. On the other hand, material wealth is fleeting. When we equate security with a man’s earnings or assets, we risk valuing superficial markers of success over lasting virtues like faith, integrity, and kindness.

But What If the Husband Fails?

I understand the concerns many parents raise or even experience. What if my daughter ends up with a husband who doesn’t provide for her? What if he is irresponsible or neglectful? These fears are valid, As the soil in the world today produces very few “Real Men”, but I believe the solution lies elsewhere. Instead of preparing our daughters to fend for themselves against potential “irresponsible husbands,” we need to equip them to recognise and choose spouses with the right values—men who are pious, responsible, and committed to their families.

Let me give you an analogy to explain my perspective:
Imagine I hand my daughter a life jacket and teach her how to swim, but then place her in a boat with holes in it. Wouldn’t it make more sense to ensure the boat is seaworthy before she sets out? In the same way, the issue isn’t whether my daughter is financially independent; it’s whether she’s marrying a man who is reliable, God-fearing, and committed to his responsibilities. When the foundation is solid, there’s little need for emergency measures.

The Impact of Feminist Ideology

I’ve also noticed how many of us, sometimes unknowingly, adopt Western constructs of success rooted in feminist ideology. Feminism’s extreme manifestations have introduced significant challenges, particularly in family life and marital stability. These constructs often lead to:

• Delayed Motherhood: Feminism’s focus on career and financial independence pushes many women to delay motherhood, often until their biological clocks force them to reconsider.
• Role Reversals: Feminist ideals sometimes shift the focus from complementing one another in marriage to competing with one another. When men and women are encouraged to compete rather than complement, it creates confusion and dissatisfaction in their roles.
• Fractured Marriages: The emphasis on materialism, individualism, and self-reliance undermines the shared responsibilities and values that form the bedrock of a strong marriage. Relationships built on such notions often become unstable.

This isn’t to say that women shouldn’t work or excel in their fields. As a Muslim, I believe both men and women should strive for excellence. But the motivation matters. If my daughter works to “outdo” her husband or prove her worth through financial independence or is busting her gut to ensure she is financially independent, it could lead to a car crash of a marriage. Instead, I’d want her to excel for the sake of Allah, using her skills to benefit her family and community without sacrificing her natural role as a nurturer.

What Real Security Means to Me

To me, real security for my daughter doesn’t come from preparing her for failure in marriage but from helping her build a strong foundation for it. It starts with teaching her to prioritise qualities like piety, kindness, and responsibility when choosing a spouse. A man who fears Allah and values his wife as a partner—not a competitor—is the kind of man who can offer true security.

As a parent, I also need to recalibrate my priorities. Security isn’t about how much my daughter’s husband earns, whether he buys her a house, or whether they drive luxury cars. It’s about his ability to fulfil his basic obligations—food, shelter, and clothing—and his willingness to strive for his family in all aspects without neglecting his faith.

These material markers of security – houses, designer handbags, fancy cars—are not guarantees of happiness. They often distract us from the real values that create lasting joy and security.

A Balanced Approach

While it’s important to prepare our daughters with life skills and encourage them to be educated, we need to ensure this isn’t driven by fear of future hardship or distrust in their future spouses. My goal is to raise a daughter who trusts in Allah, contributes meaningfully to her family, and values her role as a wife and mother, without being consumed by societal pressures.

At the same time, I need to focus on raising my sons to be God-fearing, responsible, and respectful. A strong marriage requires effort from both spouses, and it’s my responsibility as a parent to nurture these qualities in both my sons and daughters.

In the end, true security for my daughter lies not in material independence but in aligning her values—and mine—with the principles of Islam. If I focus on guiding her to choose a spouse who is God-fearing and nurturing her own trust in Allah, I can rest assured that she’ll be secure in her marriage and in her faith. As parents, we owe it to our children to reject societal pressures and instead prioritise what truly matters: their well-being in this life and the next.