The Dad and Daughter Dilemma

In my life, I’ve had many friends approach me with the same question, usually after a sigh or a shake of the head: “My daughter has taken off her hijab. How do I get her to put it back on?” My response has always been the same: “You don’t.” And for those who ask, “How do I get my daughter to wear hijab? She is reluctant to wear it despite my efforts,” my answer remains unchanged: “You don’t.” 

When I say this, it’s not because I don’t care about their daughter’s relationship with Islam or the significance of the hijab itself. Instead, it’s because I recognise that this question is often a symptom of a larger issue—a sign of the unique and overwhelming pressures our daughters face living in the West, pressures that sometimes go unnoticed and unaddressed.

The relationship between a father and daughter holds profound significance in Islam, and it is given special recognition in the Qur’an and Hadith. Islam places immense value on women, and daughters are viewed as blessings, sources of joy, and pathways to spiritual reward. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) emphasised the honour and respect that must be shown to daughters, stating, “Whoever has three daughters, and he is patient with them, feeds them, gives them drink, and clothes them from his wealth, they will be a shield for him from the Fire on the Day of Resurrection” (Sahih Ibn Majah).

The Unique Pressures on our Daughters in the West

Living as a young Muslim woman in a Western Liberal society is no easy path. It’s a pressure cooker environment, one where the expectations placed on her can feel overwhelming. Society relentlessly pressures women to look a certain way, to dress and act in ways that fit liberal ideals, and to live up to beauty standards that often contradict the values she’s been raised with. In a highly sexualised society, women are usually placed at the centre, their value and identity tied to attractiveness and desirability, creating a constant tension for those who prioritise modesty as part of their beliefs. Simply walking down the street, being on social media, or sitting in a classroom can expose her to ideals and expectations that add to this pressure. Unlike men, women face intense scrutiny and judgement over these choices, leaving them to navigate a complex path.

Beyond these societal pressures, she also feels her duties to Allah. She’s trying to balance her faith to live as a practising Muslim in a world where that path isn’t always understood and often attacked. She is torn between two conflicting messages: one that tells her to fit in and look a certain way and another that reminds her to remain steadfast in her beliefs. The mental and emotional strain of living in this conflict can become overwhelming, leading her to act in ways that may seem “odd” or defensive to her family.

The Telltale Signs of Pressure

The signs that a daughter is struggling with this pressure cooker environment are often there if we pay attention. When a daughter starts isolating herself in her room, avoiding family gatherings, or becoming highly defensive if her phone is touched, it’s a signal that something deeper is going on. Phones become a lifeline—a private space where she feels she can escape, where her thoughts and feelings are shielded from prying eyes. If she reacts with panic or anger when asked about her life, it’s often not because she doesn’t want to connect with her family but because she’s already carrying a heavy load of expectations, guilt, and self-doubt.

In this environment, a simple question can feel like an accusation. A gentle nudge can feel like an interrogation. Instead of opening up, she might respond by shutting down, isolating herself further, or lashing out defensively, feeling attacked even when her family’s intent is simply to understand.

A Father’s Role: Beyond Provision

Too often, I see fathers who are fixated on their provider roles—the breadwinners. They’re devoted to their work, focused on giving their children a better life, ensuring financial security, and putting food on the table. While that dedication is commendable, it’s only one piece of what daughters truly need from their fathers.

In a society where many people are living hand-to-mouth, it’s understandable that finding extra time for our daughters can feel challenging. However, carving out even a small amount of dedicated time each day is essential. Whether it’s a short walk together, a quick coffee in the evening, or even just 30 to 40 minutes of uninterrupted conversation, this time becomes invaluable. You may find a deep sense of peace and connection in these moments, as sharing social time with your daughter not only strengthens your bond but also shows her she is valued beyond the pressures of daily life.

Daughters need their fathers to be present, to listen, and to help them understand their value beyond societal pressures. They need fathers to be emotionally available, to help them make sense of their identity and worth. When that guidance is missing, they’re left to handle these immense pressures alone, and the cracks start to show.

The advice to follow is based on the father being a great role model of Islam himself.

Navigating the Relationship with Patience and Empathy

So, when my friends ask me how to “get” their daughters to wear the hijab again, I suggest a different approach. I encourage them to shift their focus from outward actions to understanding their daughter’s inner world. Start by recognising the immense pressures she’s under—social, emotional, and spiritual. Instead of focusing on what she’s wearing, focus on connecting with her. Speak to her not as an authority but as a father who genuinely wants to understand and support her.

In today’s world, while fathers may have clear ideas about the values they want to instil in their daughters, many struggle with the emotional intelligence needed to connect meaningfully with them. There’s a broad spectrum of challenges fathers face in building this connection, from not providing simple emotional gestures—like a hug or a kiss on the forehead to reassure their daughters—to overcompensating by flooding them with gifts and money to keep them occupied or, in some cases, out of their way. This lack of emotional engagement can leave daughters feeling isolated or misunderstood, missing the steady foundation of emotional support they need. Instead of feeling valued for who they are, they may feel as if they are being managed rather than nurtured, creating a disconnect that runs deeper than words or financial support can bridge.

Our daughters need fathers who are more than just providers; they need us to be their allies. They need us to be patient, and present, and to offer empathy and understanding. Only then can we hope to be the support they need as they navigate the difficult journey of living as young Muslim women in a world that often misunderstands them. If we want to guide our daughters back to their faith, it starts with building a relationship rooted in trust, empathy, and understanding. Only through this connection can we truly help them navigate their unique challenges so that any outward expression of faith becomes a choice they willingly embrace, grounded in inner strength and conviction.

This approach calls for patience, humility, and a willingness for fathers to break their mould and step outside their usual roles. In a world that pressures our daughters to be anything but themselves, embracing this change is the most loving and impactful choice we can make as fathers.

>For those fathers who are feeling such distance from their daughters, remember it’s never too late to start building bridges.

If you are a father grappling with any of the issues discussed in this article, please feel free to reach out to me via email.