Modern Love: Why Young Adults Are Pressing Pause on Marriage

As I’ve reached my 50s and become a parent, many of my friends and I have noticed an interesting trend among our children and their peers. They are educated, established in their careers, and living independent lives, yet many of them are hesitant—sometimes even fearful—about getting married. This reluctance has made us reflect on the deeper reasons behind their mindset and the broader changes we’ve seen in society.

A Shift in How Relationships Are Viewed

In past generations, marriage was often viewed as a natural milestone of adulthood. People got married younger, and though every relationship had its struggles, there was a certain level of commitment that many felt was simply part of life. Today, however, the environment around our children looks very different. Societal changes, evolving career expectations, and higher divorce rates have led to a shift in how marriage and long-term relationships are perceived.

We often hear from our children that they fear making the same mistakes they’ve seen others make. When relationships around them are falling apart, it’s only natural that they would be more cautious, but what concerns me is the deeper sense of uncertainty or even avoidance that I see. They seem to be anchored more by fear of failure than by any guiding principles that could help them navigate these doubts.

The Role of Societal and Environmental Influences

It’s clear that the environment has a powerful impact on shaping our children’s perspectives. They’re growing up in a world where relationships, including marriages, are more visible but also more fragile. Social media constantly highlights both the good and bad of relationships, and for many young adults, it becomes easy to see only the challenges rather than the potential rewards.

But while I fully understand how environments affect people, I worry that too often what they see around them becomes their only criteria for making decisions. It’s almost as if they lack the anchors—the principles and values—that could help them move beyond these doubts and fears. Without a strong foundation, it’s hard to feel confident in making long-term commitments.

A Lack of Anchors and Principles

One of the biggest gaps I see is that many young adults today seem to lack the guiding principles that can serve as an anchor through life’s uncertainties. In my generation, there were clearer cultural or spiritual frameworks that provided direction, especially when it came to big decisions like marriage. Those frameworks were not perfect, but they offered stability. Today, with more individualism and fluid societal norms, our children are often left to navigate these major life choices without the same support.

While I’d love to include many verses from the Qur’an and hadith from the Sunnah in my reflections, I’ve become cautious about how we use these teachings with our children. Too often, these texts are presented in a way that feels more like pressure or a tool to make them comply with what we want them to do, rather than as a framework that they can use to genuinely appreciate and navigate their own lives. Rather than just throwing these verses in their faces, we need to help them build a mindset where these teachings are valued, understood, and lived, not merely followed out of tradition.

The Weight of Expectations and Fear of Failure

Another challenge is the weight of expectations. For many young adults, there’s an emphasis on personal fulfilment, career growth, and individual success that can make the idea of committing to a lifelong partnership seem daunting or even limiting. Add to that the fact that traditional roles in marriage have changed dramatically, and many are left uncertain about what marriage should even look like. Without clear expectations, marriage can feel like more of a risk than a reward.

What’s missing, in my view, is the understanding that no marriage or relationship is ever without challenges. We’ve seen our children grow up believing that relationships should be easy, and when they’re not, it’s a sign that something is wrong. But relationships require work, perseverance, and often a commitment to weathering difficult seasons.

Where Do We Go From Here?

So where does that leave us as parents and as a society? Perhaps it’s time we start having deeper conversations with our children about the principles and values that can help them navigate life’s uncertainties. It’s not enough to tell them that relationships take work; we need to show them what that looks like in practice.

We need to encourage them to develop their own anchors—whether those are spiritual, cultural, or familial—that can guide them through difficult decisions. Marriage, like anything worth building, requires a foundation. Without it, fear and doubt can easily take over.

In the end, it’s not just about getting married or not getting married. It’s about helping the next generation feel confident enough in themselves and their values to make long-term commitments when the time is right—whether that’s to a partner, a career, or a vision for their future.

If you’re a parent facing similar concerns or if this topic resonates with you, feel free to reach out to me at [email protected]. Perhaps we can even come together as parents to share our experiences, discuss these challenges, and support each other in guiding our children through these important life transitions.